I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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