BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
