Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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