Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
