I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
