FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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