I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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