my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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