there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
