just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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