We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
