i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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