fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
