If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
