I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
