Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
