If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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