I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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