By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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