I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
