I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
