I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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