If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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