I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
