Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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