I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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