i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
