I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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