He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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