if you like me you must not know who I am
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
