i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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