i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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