the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
