I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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