I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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