I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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