Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
