Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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