Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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