if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
