Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
