I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
