saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
