Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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