So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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