The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
