The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
