You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
