The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
