So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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