I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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