why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
