Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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