all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
